When there is no promotion shine, just deflation...

"We really value you..."

"Your contribution to your department and the sector is outstanding...”

"Your application was very very strong..."

“Your innovative approach to finding solutions is amazing…”

These words float around in my mind, blurring together, I hear them but I don’t register them. But there is one louder comment that gets stronger and stronger in my mind, playing like a bad song I’ve heard in the foyer of a building that for some reason I remember and keep playing again and again in my mind: "On this occasion, we regret to inform you that your application for promotion, has been unsuccessful".

Unsuccessful.

Fail.

Failure.

You are not good enough.

This is not what I was expecting

I didn't get it.

How much harder do I have to work?

Seriously, you want me to work on gaining more...

Cue tears.

Cue that sinking feeling.

Cue utter deflation.

Flat.

Nothing. Zip. Empty.

Applying for promotion is one of those academic risks we all gamble with in our career. I was always taught you go for promotion internally or you apply for the next level at another institution. Either way, both these approaches are options that are underpinned by subjectivity and the unknown. It is not possible to predict what a panel of your peers will do when they are informed by their own lived experiences. They look at the criteria through their own lens, and they then interpret them in different ways. Yes, there are criteria and expectations but as we all know in academia how we put these into action and what they mean to us all can be different; exactly as we probably interpreted them when we write our application.

So, with this risk we put our hand up to say, “Hello, I'm here and I'm pretty darn proud of all the work I have done”. And do you know what, that doesn't go away. What you have achieved doesn't go away. Do you remember the personal satisfaction of an innovation? Or that team you lead? Or the change you made in someone else's life? That doesn't go away. This one moment in time, yes is fully loaded right now as the freshness of the no lingers in the back of your mind while you continue to present yourself as everything is ok. (Right now I am thankful for work from home zoom meetings as when I tear up I can turn my camera off, or even better use the new video enhancing magical button that takes 15 years off your appearance...although I do wish the the studio effects of changing my eyebrows, moustache and lip colour could add an extra effect to take away golf ball eye look).

But as I write this less than 48 hours into my email with pdf attachment from HR and numerous high level debriefing meetings I want to acknowledge that I feel deflated, totally flat. And if you are reading this as you too are processing such an outcome, we can collectively acknowledge this feeling of being deflated. I've cried it out (and probably most of what I've been holding onto to stay strong during 2020 and the year of the pandemic) and now I write this to say hello to my fellow colleagues who have not been successful this year, or in the past. I feel you. I see you. You are not alone in this moment although it does feel like it.

As I pick myself up I'm utilising this time to step back slightly and reflect for me. I hope you can as well. I have the words in the back of my mind that my chiropractor shared with me 5 minutes after I opened the email and entered her room for a pre-booked consultation where I began the flood of tears on her table: "this is not your time just yet, and that is ok, but when it is, watch out world". I share these words for you as well. It is just not your time right now. But it will be. I know it will be, and when it is we will have this magical gift to ourselves and others - we will be able to celebrate and sympathise with our fellow colleagues who put their hand up to say hello, I'm here and look what I have done. For those who are successful we will congratulate and savour their moment of acknowledgement, and for those who don't we will hold a space of compassion and empathy.

One of the reasons I wanted to write this post was to capture this moment in time for myself and for you. If you are reading this and like me you are picking yourself up off the floor from the shock, and trying to figure out what to do next - will you run or stay, will you just hide for a while or will you just sit and be, or will you just say that is it, I'm done - it will be ok. We can get through this. All will be ok, right now you can embrace what is right for you. But remember that life is like a wave in the ocean; it rises up and down, sometimes it is smooth, other times it crashes and throws you around, slamming you against the rocks. Right now it feels like we've been slammed against the rocks. The ocean will change. Those waves will change. Ride the wave and know this moment too will pass. Sit with the discomfort and know that as you ride this wave you will move through every emotion a few times and you will be tossed around as you process - shock, disbelief, anger, resentment, dissatisfaction, get me out of here, that's it I'm leaving, what jobs are available, I can do this, I see their perspective, there is hope...

You are not alone. Right now this is what I am doing for my self-care, and maybe one or two of these might help you as well.

Wait

Just sit with what you are feeling. Give yourself wait time and don't action anything or react in a way that you will probably regret later. Get angry but don’t transfer. Cry. Let yourself feel the emotions that come up...and there will be a range of them. These will shift.

Constructive wallowing… take the letter “w” away from wallowing and what you have is the word “allowing” - allow yourself to feel.

In the book Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them, Tina Gilbertson, a psychotherapist, talks about how to own your feelings. This is especially important when we think about the emotional and mental feelings associated with processing the shock of not being successful with promotion (or your grant, publication, contract, etc). “Allowing yourself to experience emotions without judgement or fear is at the centre of constructive wallowing, and it’s one of the most liberating things you can do for yourself” (pp.65-66). This is when we acknowledge our feelings, not act them out, as we don’t need to have to act them out in order to experience them. For example: I feel tense [feeling] is not the same as shouting, getting aggressive, stomping around, or having a tight lip [these are behaviours].

The behaviours are a good sign of tension. But they are not the same as the tension. You can feel tense or deflated, without any actions or behaviours being enacted. This is where being aware of feelings and behaviours comes into play, and what Gilbertson calls constructive wallowing…or as she states, we can take the letter “w” away from wallowing and what we have left is the word “allowing”. You are allowing yourself to constructively feel the feelings. Emotions do not have to inevitably end up leading to actions.

Take some time out

Rest, sleep, walk, ride, run, listen to your favourite podcast or read something else other than academic work. Just take some time out, even if it is a micro-moment of 5 minutes.

Share your appreciations

Shift from you to others for a moment and express your appreciation or gratitude to those who supported you for promotion but also notice what else is happening around you. Gratitude is a powerful positive emotion, and it is especially helpful for when we are needing to bounce back from a shock. A simple practice that weaves wonderful magic. Research has found the act of expressing gratitude can support you to find yourself sleeping better and building emotional awareness (Seligman, Steen, Park and Peterson, 2005). I've been sharing three things I'm grateful for on Twitter, like a mini diary, but you might want to do this in a different way through an expression to someone else, a note to self or reflection. Another approach might be to journal utilising prompts such as this:

Sit on it

All feedback is good feedback but right now we don’t want to hear the feedback, or process the details. So collect it and sit on it. Then come back to it later when you are emotionally and cognitively ready.

When you are ready, debrief

When you are ready, debrief and find out more about the feedback provided. Just listen, don't get defensive or fight the feedback. Just listen. Capture them and when you are ready to process, see this as an opportunity to learn about yourself, the system, and strategies within academia. Start with the person closest to the decision makers, and as you process, seek out trusted and knowledgeable people who can provide you advice (when you are ready).

Park for future self

As my beautiful colleagues with words of kindness support me, I acknowledge I'm not ready right now in this freshness to process or even remotely consider putting into action their tips. But what I am doing is collating a list of possible action items for me to come back to in the future. Here is my list so far...

Find a mentor outside my field/discipline
Find out more about metrics internationally to support benchmarking and educating a promotion panel on your performance (especially relevant for us social science peeps)
Find a critical friend who is like a reviewer 2 who can audit your application
Find someone who can look at the panel feedback and then analyse your application through this lens and then flip this into goals
Think about how you were or were not prepared for a no - what work might you need to do there?
Think smarter not harder as you move forward
Rethink your path
See this as an opportunity not a setback, embracing perspective as a strength to help you reframe and rethink.

So as you (w)allow in/your feelings, be angry and get it out. Know crying is good. Ride the wave of emotions and when you are ready pop into action what is right for you. But right now, care for you like you would a friend.

References

Gilbertson, T. (2014). Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them. London: Piatkus.

Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions. American Psychologist, 60(5), 410–421

When there is no promotion shine, just deflation...

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