The care in requests
The care in requests
I love receiving email requests to collaborate, speak, or run workshops. I especially like emails, tweets and DMs that share an appreciation. I honestly love hearing from others, it brings me joy. I love ideas. I love being generous. But there is an art to the cold call or asking for something to be shared and thus getting the best out of busy people. But as my dear friends and colleagues Helen Kara, Inger Mewburn (aka Thesis Whisperer) and Tseen Khoo and Jonathan O’Donnell (aka Research Whisperer) have shared, what comes with the excitement and joy also comes with some frustrations - the demands, nagging, expectations, and simple forgetting of the bigger picture. We’ve been embracing our circle of niceness and helping each other navigate the email, DM or ping request scenario. We’ve also been letting off some steam and processing how we can do it better ourselves, while helping others as well with some email (communication) etiquette.
So care is something that has emerged for me. Maybe as I am writing as the Wellbeing Whisperer, or because I wanted to provide a provocation to how we all could reconsider how we reach out to each other. Care is central - for I, we and us. Relationships, new, old, fleeting, sustained and everything else is central. Interconnected to this is the place of our wellbeing. How can we enact care in how we ask? For what we ask? Emails are stressful at the best of times - they invade our working life, and interrupt our deep thinking time. We all have a love-hate relationship with them. But they are here to stay, or some version of them will, and perhaps there are some cares we can put into place.
I’ve been thinking about email, tweets, DMs and ping requests from the perspective of some good practices. I turned to what I appreciate. I’m going to think through some scenarios and flip them as a way to unpack what I, and I think you would like to receive.
Here are my 9 flips that place care at the centre of the cold call or new connection with a busy person.
1. Pushy and demanding versus caring about time perspective
Ok, so I like an email request that is not pushy. By this I mean demanding my expertise, my time or my focus on something that isn’t relevant or is not aligned with current foci is hard to process both from attitude and also demand.
FLIP.
Send an email for a request that either provides a timeline or acknowledges there is no hurry.
2. Working smart versus no context...
Emails that are clear cut and paste with no relevant context are not so helpful when it comes to processing cognitively or emotionally.
FLIP.
At times I’ve worked smart with my emails and developed a baseline text to be sent focusing on the repeated information I wish to send. But each email is always crafted to the person and their context. There is a working smart with a personalisation touch required. So a common email that arrives in my inbox is a request to supervise a PhD. The personalised email versus the email of “I admire your work in the field of engineering or computer science…” well will not get a response. And just in case you need some help here...these are not my disciplines nor do I work anywhere close so if you admire my work, that is not a way to spark a conversation. Side request: Please don’t spam every university lecturer for supervision with the same text. You’ll have more success with planned research into who, how and actually what the best ways are to connect as aligned to university processes.
3. Build a high quality connection
Sending a question to me that requires a lot of research makes me feel like I am doing the work for you.
FLIP.
Carefully craft your email, tweet or DM in a way that shows you have done the work while building a high quality connection with me. Some tips for construction would be to share your insights or work and then:
Ask questions that convey genuine interest in what I do or a perspective that I may have written or spoken about
Ask questions that inject positivity
Ask questions that offer help and assistance
Ask questions that uncover connection to context, or
Ask questions that build from something you have discovered or would like to take further
4. Show up with humility
If you send an email but haven't heard from me in 2 hours, please do not send the same message on another platform, and then another, and then another every 10 minutes.
FLIP.
This is overwhelming for the recipient. You may be excited and anticipating a response from me but wait time is your best friend. Don’t become a spammer and over eager - this can ignite panic on a few levels as the receiver. Busy people don’t have all their platforms open at the same time, and don’t sit on email either waiting for communications to come by. Follow up in a week or 2 weeks with a gentle check in from your original contact point (not all the others). And remember that your universe is different from others’ universe, recognise each other with humility, empathy and an awareness that everyone is doing their best.
5. Take the time
If you email with haste then this often comes out in the email communication...and sometimes the recipient cannot understand what it is you are actually saying.
FLIP.
Invest in the time to craft your email. Tell me who you are, the context you are from, what you would like to connect about and how I can help you. Tell a narrative, but not a lengthy one.
6. Well researched and concise
Making contact based on an assumption but that totally misses the mark is difficult to respond to.
FLIP.
A thoughtful and well researched email that is concise makes it easy to respond to.
7. Embrace a vulnerability
Cold call with expectations of quick replies can be disappointing.
FLIP.
Embrace the vulnerability of cold calling/emailing/DMing and please do reach out but do so ever so gently with an awareness that there is a sensitivity for all involved. You want to say hello and probably ask for something. And I’m on the other end juggling all sorts of things as well…sometimes we just are not in the head space to be able to process a new interaction just now…but we will. And a side note: Also be vulnerable with your reach out but don’t overshare.
8. Share an appreciation and kindness around
Reach out but don’t forget to be kind and appreciative...demanding lots is difficult to process.
FLIP.
Show that you listen deeply, smile as you write, and communicate in a way that is more than transactional, aka “I want”, “I need”, “Will you”, or “Can you”. Participate in the daily interaction with appreciation and kindness even though we are participating for different reasons.
9. If you are sharing a problem…
Sending me a forward about an issue or a situation you are experiencing with the expectation I will read all the details you are forwarding and also interpret the way you have triggers a migraine.
FLIP.
Break down in dot points a timeline of events that is easy to follow. Then share a possible solution. Clear, concise while especially embracing tips 4, 5, 6 and 8.
Photo by Tyler Lastovich on Unsplash
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